Embracing Authenticity: How therapy can help you become your true self.

My main driver to becoming a psychotherapist was so I could help people who may feel stuck, lost, or unfulfilled in their lives. I’ve been there too.

I understand how easy it can be to find yourself in a rut, repeating unhealthy patterns, and repressing your true feelings because you’re doing what you feel you ‘should’ be doing rather than what you want to do.

I love to help people join the dots and work out how they’ve arrived where they are in their life, giving them space to truly acknowledge and express their feelings and be clearly heard and validated.

This process can then help them heal from the challenges and traumas that may be holding them back, make positive changes, and empower them to move forwards embracing their authentic self, instead of ‘performing’ their way through life, as though wearing a mask or a ‘false self’.

Brene Brown characterises authenticity as “The daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough”.

Your own unique authenticity can serve as a guiding light, leading you towards a more profound understanding of yourself and in turn, enabling you to live more fully and with a much greater sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, as your ways of being align more with your morals and values in life.

This is summed up perfectly the quote from C Jung “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are” and this is why I chose to put it on every page of my website.

The Impact of Conditioning and The Masks We Wear

From a young age, even from as far back as when we’re in the womb, other people’s hopes, expectations, and projections can inadvertently shape us into roles that aren’t right for us. This conditioning can probably be traced back endlessly through generations, with wounds and traumas, as well as the good times, continuously moulding families, communities, and societies.

Our parents may expect us to continue a family business, become a lawyer, musician, or actor, marry a particular kind of person, wear particular clothes, or have a certain number of children. The list is endless. More often than not, they’re projecting their unfulfilled desires and wants on to us, instead of taking responsibility for them themselves.

Maybe they have subconsciously given you a role, they may hope you’ll fix their marriage, fill a void the loss of another family member has left or become their carer when they’re old.

Your script or role in the family and wider society, may have been unwittingly created as you make your way through life…. Maybe you’re ‘the good one’, ‘the angry one’, ‘the creative one’, ‘the sporty one’; these labels we are given and these boxes we get put into can feel wrong or outdated and restrictive. We might not be consciously aware we’re being guided down a particular path, and we can soon lose sight of who we truly are without necessarily understanding why.

Be curious about and challenge the boxes people put you in and the automatic thoughts running through your mind. Thoughts aren’t facts and the labels people give you don’t have to define you. Similarly, be curious about the boxes you might put others in or the labels you might give them too.

We can also unwittingly put ourselves in boxes that we perhaps don’t belong in and it’s important to be mindful of our inner voice. Your sense of your own authenticity may change over time and it’s important to embrace the fluidity of it too and challenge yourself to change if things no longer feel right.

If we don’t conform to these pre-defined familial and societal norms, many of us can end up donning a mask to fit in. This early conditioning can give rise to a ‘false self’, a phrase coined by D W Winnicott, where a fear of judgment and disapproval may prompt individuals to conceal their true selves to fit in and feel approved of.

Left unexamined, this conditioning and ‘false self’ we portray, can create a strong inner critic and foster feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression, and a sense of wrongness. This can pave the way for unhealthy coping mechanisms such as addictions, avoidance and denial, emotional eating and self-harm and people may find themselves trapped in destructive cycles. This is where therapy can help.

The Therapeutic Journey

The journey towards authenticity can become crucial to our emotional well-being and therapy offers a transformative and supportive space to unravel layers of past conditioning, trace the roots of unhelpful thinking patterns and reframe thoughts more positively.

Examining our past more closely, understanding familial and societal dynamics, and identifying pivotal moments in our life that may have been the start of a route down an unhealthy path for us, are all integral parts of the therapeutic journey.

By embracing the validity of all our emotions and acknowledging the impossibility of pleasing everyone, therapy can become a catalyst for rediscovering our authenticity. It can help us think deeply about our values, and change our behaviours so they align more authentically with our true self and help us let go of the false self we have created in order to fit in.

As layers of conditioning peel away in therapy, you might find that the rediscovery of the authentic self opens avenues for finding a like-minded community—a tribe that resonates with your true essence. This new connection can then provide you with a profound sense of belonging and understanding.

It’s not always easy or maybe not even always possible but authenticity is something that you can be mindful of aspiring to daily. Equipped with healthier coping mechanisms acquired through therapy, you can navigate life's challenges, celebrate your ongoing journey, and move forward with a renewed sense of self, enhanced resilience, and a commitment to your emotional well-being.

Some Personal Experience

We all have many moments in our childhood where we’ve internalised a passing comment or remark and it’s become engrained in our psyche. As a child, it’s unlikely we would have stopped to examine where it came from or indeed if it is right.

I thought I’d use an example of one of my many such moments to outline what I’ve been saying in this blog.

I used to be the fastest runner in my Primary School for a while (bear in mind there were only 30 or so children in the whole school!) I liked running but I’m not someone who has ever really enjoyed the limelight or competition.

When it came to Sports Day, if I was winning a race, I would slow down and let the other children go past me, as I didn’t like the attention that came with winning. On one of these occasions, I remember being told - ‘You’ll never get anywhere in life with an attitude like that.’

Now, as an adult, and a therapist, who has had many years of my own therapy, I understand that there hopefully wouldn’t have been any bad intentions behind this. This person was probably, in a clumsy way, trying to encourage me to celebrate my wins. Or they may have been projecting some unrealised fear of their own, or some unfulfilled part of themselves on to me.

As a child however, I internalised this and worried deeply about it. I’d previously had no idea my preference for going under the radar on Sports Day, would apparently have such an impact on my entire life, as this person predicted for me!

Without the ability or space to verbalise how I felt or get any feedback on this statement, I developed an unhelpful core belief that, because I generally don’t like drawing attention to myself, there is something innately wrong with me.

Other questions and comments over the years such as ‘Why are you so quiet?’, ‘You’re too sensitive’ built up until I truly believed that being someone who isn’t competitive, who is introverted and sensitive, means I will ultimately fail at life.

This became overwhelming in those pivotal times - my teens and twenties, as I transitioned into adulthood. My inner critic became very loud, and I increasingly used unhealthy coping mechanisms and ways of being to feel like I ‘fit in’.

With the help of personal therapy, my psychotherapy training and reading books such as ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain and ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ by Elaine Aron, I realised that it was ok to be exactly who I was and that there are huge benefits to being my true self and living authentically.

Ten years ago, I found the confidence to join my local running club. I’m certainly not the fastest runner there by any means but I now have a very containing and nurturing space to enjoy running at my pace, with like minded people who encourage and motivate and celebrate each other whether you come first or last. I’ve found my tribe!

It’s not always easy to live authentically but if you keep it in mind as a daily priority for your emotional well-being, it’s easier to keep making the changes, find meaning in life and keep going in the direction you need to fully reach your potential.

What next?

I hope this blog has been helpful in explaining how we can unwittingly become bogged down by other people’s expectations and end up in a place we were never meant to be in, struggling with our emotional health.

If you’d like me to help you uncover your true self and embrace your authenticity and maybe find your tribe too! Or have any further questions do get in touch by using the details on this page.