The Psychological Impact of Being a ‘Replacement Child’ and How Therapy Can Help
Welcome back to the final instalment of my mini-series on the ‘replacement child’ phenomenon.
If you’ve been following along, thank you for sticking with me, and if this is your first visit - the term ‘replacement child’, refers to a child born after the loss of an older sibling. This could be due to death, miscarriage, estrangement, or adoption.
No matter the circumstance, it carries an emotional complexity that makes growing up as a ‘replacement’ a very unique experience.
Your Story: Embrace It, Don’t Erase It
As a ‘replacement child’, the key to healing often begins with recognising your story for what it is—complex, layered, and very much your own. You are not just here to fill someone else’s shoes, even if it may sometimes feel that way.
The emotional terrain of growing up in the shadow of a lost sibling can be both a challenge and an opportunity for self-discovery.
Andrea Sabbadini puts it perfectly:
“The adult replacement child may actually have to learn to live his life all over again. He must find the missing pieces of himself, examine years of uncertainty, ask questions that have never been asked, no less answered, and ultimately try to connect with himself apart from the shadow of the 'other' whom he has replaced." For many, therapy becomes the space where these "missing pieces" are finally found and examined, often for the first time.”
It can be hard work, but embracing your unique journey means acknowledging the messy and magical parts of it. Therapy, self-reflection, and courage can help you navigate these “missing pieces” and move toward a life that is truly yours.
The Influence of Family Dynamics: The Elephant in the Room
Family dynamics can be complicated for everyone, but for ‘replacement children’, it’s like juggling with a few extra elephants in the room! Whether the family talks openly about the loss or keeps it buried under layers of silence, the weight of that absence is almost always felt.
As Kristina Schellinski writes in The Replacement Child, parents may unconsciously project their grief onto the ‘replacement child’, creating expectations for them to live up to an idealised image of the sibling who is no longer there.
These unspoken hopes, dreams, and unresolved grief can lead to a whole mess of feelings, from guilt and worthlessness to confusion and a sense of "not belonging"; and acknowledging these dynamics is the first step toward breaking free from them.
Your family’s grief and expectations don’t have to define you. Therapy can help you unpack these invisible pressures and create space for your own identity to flourish.
The Self-Esteem Struggle: Living Up to the Invisible Standard
If you’re a ‘replacement child’, you’ve probably struggled with feeling like you’re living someone else’s life, as if there’s an invisible scorecard hanging over your head, and no matter what you do, you’re not quite hitting the mark.
Whether it’s through perfectionism, overachievement, or withdrawal, this sense of “not measuring up” can show up in many different ways.
Judy Mandell, in her book Replacement Child, highlights how many ‘replacement children’ develop extraordinary empathy and creativity. These are amazing qualities, but they often come at a cost.
Many replacement children develop these traits as a form of hyper-vigilance—constantly monitoring their environment to avoid adding to their family’s sorrow.
It’s exhausting and therapy offers a space to breathe, to step back, and to recognise that your worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s absence. You get to write your own story—one where you are enough just as you are.
Therapy: A Space for Reclamation
Therapy is where the magic happens—or, at least, where the hard work of self-discovery and healing takes place (it’s definitely not magic!)
In this safe, non-judgmental environment, you can begin to explore how your upbringing has shaped your sense of self. Therapy allows you to uncover those unconscious expectations, challenge them, and, ultimately, reclaim your own identity.
What could that actually look like in therapy?
1. Exploring Your Unique Story
Therapy provides a safe space to talk about what it means to be a ‘replacement child’. Your therapist could help you identify feelings of grief, guilt, or confusion that you may have carried with you from childhood. By giving voice to these emotions, you can start making sense of them and, more importantly, begin to let them go.
This exploration is like unfolding a personal map, one you may not have known you had. Maybe you’ve always felt like you were supposed to be someone else—more outgoing, cleverer, more ‘good’, or more quiet.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself asking, "Am I doing enough to honour the memory of my sibling?" Therapy gives you the space to question those deep-seated beliefs and realise that you are enough simply by being yourself.
2. Rebuilding Self-Esteem
One of the most common struggles for ‘replacement children’ is low self-esteem, often driven by unrealistic expectations. Therapy helps you challenge the idea that you have to ‘live up to’ or ‘replace’ someone else.
Together, you and your therapist can identify the inner critic or perfectionistic tendencies that may have developed as coping mechanisms, and work on replacing those with self-compassion.
For some, this work involves exploring how early childhood experiences shaped their understanding of self-worth. Were you constantly told how you reminded your parents of the sibling they lost? Were there subtle (or not-so-subtle) pressures to excel academically or in life, to somehow "make up" for their absence? Therapy helps you sift through these influences and guides you toward a healthier, more compassionate view of yourself.
3. Recognising Family Patterns
If family dynamics have contributed to your identity struggles, therapy can help you untangle the web of expectations, grief, and silence. Your therapist could help you see how family dynamics may have shaped your beliefs about yourself and empower you to create boundaries and explore what’s true for you, not for the version of you that your family needed or imagined.
This can be a liberating yet challenging experience. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to "keep the peace" in your family, afraid that addressing the unspoken loss would disrupt the fragile balance. Perhaps you have tried to address the unspoken loss and been met with anger and defensiveness and consequently felt ashamed, guilty or humiliated.
Therapy offers tools for setting healthy boundaries without alienating loved ones. You learn that it’s okay to carve out space for yourself, even within a family that may still be healing.
4. Addressing Grief
Even if you’ve never met the sibling you ‘replaced’, there is often a deep, unspoken sense of grief. Therapy can be a place where that grief is honoured and processed in a way that’s healthy and healing. It can also be a space to address unresolved grief within the family if those around you haven’t fully come to terms with the loss.
Sometimes, just acknowledging that grief—even if it feels like it isn’t "yours"—can be a powerful act of healing. Therapy offers a way to give yourself permission to feel sorrow, even when that grief is tied to an absence you never physically experienced. The emotional landscape of being a ‘replacement child’ is often shaped by invisible threads, and therapy helps you see those threads clearly for the first time.
5. Rediscovering Joy
Therapy doesn’t have to be all heavy! It can also be a space where you reconnect with parts of yourself that feel joyful, creative, and free. You’re allowed to have fun, laugh, and dream without guilt. Therapy encourages you to reclaim those aspects of yourself that may have been overshadowed by family expectations or sadness.
It’s easy to feel like you’re stuck in a role, but therapy is a reminder that life is about more than the weight of past expectations. Rediscovering joy can come in the form of creative outlets—writing, art, music—or even just allowing yourself to be silly or carefree, without worrying about how others might perceive you.
Family Therapy: Untangling the Web Together
For some ‘replacement children’, family therapy can be a powerful tool. It opens the door to conversations that may have been too difficult or painful to start. In a supportive environment, families can talk openly about loss, grief, and the unspoken expectations that have lingered for years. This kind of dialogue can lead to deeper understanding, forgiveness, and healing.
If your family is willing, therapy can help you address the elephant in the room, and begin building healthier, more open relationships.
Celebrate Yourself!
Being a ‘replacement child’ isn’t easy, but it has most likely shaped you into someone resilient, creative, and emotionally intelligent. Whether it’s through therapy, creative expression, or simply letting yourself be seen for who you are, you deserve to celebrate your unique identity.
You’re not living in anyone’s shadow—you’re creating your own light. Whether it’s art, writing, or by truly living authentically, embracing your uniqueness is the ultimate form of empowerment.
As we can see, being a replacement child is a complex experience, and it can come with emotional baggage, but it can also be a source of strength and insight.
Therapy provides the space to laugh, cry, reflect, and—most importantly—heal. It’s where you can unpack all that’s been weighing you down, where you can take off the metaphorical backpack of expectations, and simply be you.
As always, if this has resonated with you in anyway, do get in touch and find out how I can help, by booking a 15 minute, free, no -obligation introductory call or by calling or emailing to book your first session.